New Member With Questions

[prguy (deleted)]

Hello everyone. I am new to this site and wanted to say hello to everyone. I had an interesting experience a year or so ago that I wanted to share with you and maybe get some insight.

First, let me say that I've never dated anyone that was disabled. Not because I wouldn't, I would, I've just never met a disabled woman in person. I actively date and enjoy healthy relationships and so wouldn't exclude a disabled woman on that basis.

Having said that, I was walking through the mall one day and saw a woman in a wheelchair. She was extremely attractive and I thought what the heck and I walked towards her to strike up conversation, much the same way I meet and date able women.

When I got close she was joined by a friend and I just felt a little awkward having this other girl listening in so I aborted the effort. But she saw me looking at her as they walked away.

A little later I happened upon them again, leaving a store. I caught her eye and before I could wave or smile she looked away and appeared a little angry. I tried to approach and smile but once again her friend thwarted me. They exchanged words and I saw them both look over at me and again she began to leave.

It occured to me that she assumed I was staring at her, on both occasions, because she was in a wheelchair. In reality I was looking at her to purposely get her attention because I founf her attractive and wanted to talk.

So I guess I was wondering if any women out there feel they have a sort of natural defensiveness about their disabilities and do they feel as though this might get in the way of meeting people? I felt terrible that this woman thought I was staring at her in pity when I simply thought she was hot!

[dixie_PREV (deleted)]

I find that most women are self consious about their bodies and being diabled makes them more so I think. I have been with men and women. Even the women I have been with have been self cousious about their bodies in front of me and I am a woman. It is different when they look at you as a friend from when they look at you as a lover.

[prguy (deleted)]

Are you saying that it's natural to be sort of defensive? Don't get me wrong, I totally understand it. Still, it makes it hard to meet people if your first thought is "That guys just looking at me because I'm disabled. Jerk!"

I get that people of both sexes probably stare a lot and it gets to people. I wouldn't like it either. But what's the solution? If you smile back and they look away, is that such a big deal? It happens to able bodied people all the time. Not me of course, other guys. LOL

[hotwheels66]

First of all, HI
And a little background first:
I've been disabled for about 7 yrs. I was married at that time to the "love of my life". Too make a long story short, we ended in divorce about 4 yrs ago.

I had always been with abled men. Since my divorce i have been in one relationship for a year (i just ended it about a month ago). I found out things that i would have never known had we not lived together with my parents, my kids and my pets. this man was a pathological liar (for real) among other things. I think he liked being with me because he could bring attention to himself, you know...oh what a wonderful man he takes such good care of her, oh look at him what a martyr.

I was used to being looked at once in a while, (not to sound conceeded) I am no beauty but am not ugly either. Men don't look at me anymore. My body looks the same as it used to if i am sitting in my wheelchair (i'm in it 95% of the time). If i am using my walker you can tell there is something wrong with my hip and legs.

I don't really notice people staring, probably just cause i don't care. But if an abled man approached me, i would probably wonder what was up. In fact i would not go out with someone that did that, even when i was abled
There are way too many people (mostly girls and women) missing and killed these days.

I do appreciate hearing that a wheelchair doesn't matter to some, and the one's it does matter too....thier loss.

[prguy (deleted)]

I might be a little confused, but if you wouldn't go out with a man that approached you and said hello, how would you ever meet anyone? I mean, meeting people happens all the time, what's wrong with seeing a little chemsitry and smiling back? Isn't that how people meet? Wheelchair or not, a pretty girl is a pretty girl and guys will want to say hello. I don't see anything wrong with that.

[hotwheels66]

I am not saying that i wouldn't eventually,lol. Seriously, i would exchange #'s and talk on the phone and computer for a while and then do a couple of double dates. at least till we felt comfortable. I don't think that being cautious is a bad thing. I think it's being smart. Things are worse then they used to be as far as safety.

[pattim (deleted)]

I have been visibly disabled for 6 months. I am on oxygen 24/7 and have zero stamina so when I go to the store I have to drive the cart. First off, most people think I'm this way due to a lifetime of smoking which is incorrect. I get a lot of dropped eyes. Seems the cannula makes some people uneasy. I've personally decorated mine. I am not dying with a disease, I'm living with it and have no intention of attempting invisibility. I met a man a month or so ago who found me attractive. We did dinner and a movie and for awhile I forgot I even had the cannula and it was great. I don't have to worry about the S-- end of it because S-- is out of the question. The pulmonary artery in my lungs would never stand it at this point. But maybe someday, I can only hope. But again, in answer to your question I think people who have been disabled a long time just don't notice other people looking at them no matter the reason behind it and people who aren't used to their own disability aren't going to recognize your interest.

[laurafox0_PREV (deleted)]

`I;m not self conscious unless someone comes off tome that they are, then a lil I guess.

[daydreamer1 (deleted)]

`Hmmm, I've been disabled my entire life (I have scoliosis) and the older i get the more obvious it seems to be. I look disfigured, and I don't think that being skinny helps matters either....So yeh, I feel embarassed and angry if I see people staring at me. Part of my daily routine is blocking out the stares I get. So, for me and other people who are visibly disabled, it can be hard to seperate the good from the bad attention. Usually I try to 'stare them out,' just so I can prove that I will not be intimidated or undermined. Most guys my age are total idiots and are not as open minded as you, so yeh, naturally I assume they just want a laugh at my expense or something to talk about....